As far as they’re concerned, you’re allowed to only have the emotional responses that are acceptable to them. Narcissistic mothers are masters of invalidation. But instead of offering love, compassion, and support, her mother demanded, “Stop making everyone around you miserable.” However, the first thing her mother asked was, “What did YOU do to make him cheat on you?” In the following weeks after the discovery, Juliet would randomly burst into tears. She was understandably devastated and turned to her mother for support. My client Juliet discovered that her husband of 12 years was having an affair.
Mom would always call after me and say as she laughed, “Why are you always SO dramatic?”Īt times, your feelings are completely dismissed with, “No, that didn’t happen.” And when others compliment you for being kind, smart, selfless, and helpful, your mother quietly whispers, “You sure fooled them!” … or “You’re lucky they don’t know how you REALLY are.” I would begin to tear up right on the spot, or run out of the room to avoid making a scene.
My dad, who I now realize is an enabler, would join in just to get on my mother’s good side. My parents would guilt-trip me to join in when relatives flew in for visits, and without fail, my mother always managed to take jabs at my weight and appearance in front of everyone. But family gatherings were the most dreadful. So much that I would avoid social events altogether. I was overweight as a teenager and as you can imagine, very self conscious about it. Perhaps even a response similar to, “It doesn’t bother anyone else, so why should it bother you?” Did I hurt your little feelings?” or an accusation that you’re being “over-sensitive” as usual. Your mother says or does something to hurt your feelings, and when you try to talk to her about how it’s affected you, she answers with a sarcastic, “Oh, poor you. Narcissistic mothers contaminate their defenseless children who trust and depend on their mothers for love, attention, validation, guidance and protection. This creates a persistent sense of anxiety, self doubt, and distrust. While a healthy mother embraces her child with unconditional love and acceptance to provide confidence and a safe space to discover and grow into who they are, the narcissistic mother gives performance-driven, conditional love – only for stakes to be raised even higher without the reward being given. Instead of being given the knowledge and tools to build and maintain a healthy self-esteem, children of narcissistic mothers have seeds of doubt and low self-worth planted deep into their being. While a healthy mother protects her child early on from harm and danger of the outside world… the narcissistic mother is the SOURCE of fear for her children and distorts the child’s self perception. However, if this important foundation is contaminated with emotional, verbal, and even physical abuse, it is very possible the child will grow into an adult with a heightened risk for anxiety, depression, self-doubt, low self esteem, lack of self worth, and self loathing. Our mothers are the foundation of how we grow as an individual and how we integrate ourselves in the world. We learn that we have value by her empathy in response to our feelings, wants, and needs. We establish our sense of self-worth from how she nurtures, cares for, and protects us from harm. We first learn about ourselves and the world around us through our interactions with our mothers.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother professional#
It is strongly recommend that you work with a professional and knowledgeable therapist, counselor, or coach to help you effectively progress through your healing and recovery of childhood traumas. You may have found yourself among people from “healthy” families who cannot fathom how a mother can possibly treat her child the way you have been treated, and your experiences inadvertently invalidated. The purpose of this article is not to explain “how” the narcissistic mother came to be but to help validate adult children of narcissistic mothers.
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